oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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