look no pants
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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