The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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