I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
