Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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