I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I think my moral compass just broke
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