Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize