I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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