I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
