Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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