I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
