I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
