I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
