Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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