I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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