then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
