I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I am puke
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
