I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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