Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
