I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
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