Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
