drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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