captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
