So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
