Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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