Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
