she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
