I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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