We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
