dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
