I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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