you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
