Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
