I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
