I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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