Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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