i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
