i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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