If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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