Fine. I'll sleep in my office
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
