I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
NoShamevember. You game?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
