My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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