i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
