I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
