The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
