I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
did you just send me my own nude
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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