Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
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