I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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