There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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