so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
