you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
