Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
