He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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