I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
