I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
