fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
