I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
