If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
