Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
