I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize