If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize